A Look Back to Move Forward

I'm not gonna lie. The reason why this blog has been neglected was because I feel so unmotivated to write. Not because I didn't do things that worth remembering by-to write down events in my life to remember is the main reason why I put up this blog. The posts are all crowded in my folder waiting to be edited,left unfinished, untouched and seem to be forgotten. Pictures that I love to look at to make me remember the happy times and important moments are just hiding in the memory of my computer. (sigh)

I need Me back. But with all the things that happened, the uncertainties and disappointment. I was left wondering, was it deliberately meant to hurt me? Or was it just a burst of emotion in the middle of anger? But then maybe not. You pride yourself to be smart. And for me smart people has to have a strong harness of their emotion especially when the same words was thrown to them in the past and it hurt them too. You don't simply say words that hurt you in the past to the person you say you love,because YOU of all people should know that they hurt.

I just need me back. That's all I want..for now.

It's three days short before my birthday. That's what I want. Me. I want to like writing again. To have a glimpse of what I feel in some moment in the past through the words I've written.

I just talked to a friend. And an emotion I've been hiding for a long time I just suddenly shared. What for? It was a long time ago when I vow to never celebrate my birthday anymore. I was 21. It was a day before my birthday, I'm sitting on a bus going home to attend my father's funeral.  Since then, my own birthday for me is depressing. It is not something to be celebrated at all. It opens old wounds that's too painful. But what can I do? I can't live on the past forever, am I?

There was a time that I push myself to take it all back. That is by creating a wish list for my birthday. I love gifts on my birthday,forget the other occasion there is. Just give me a present on my birthday. So that I would have something to be happy, to be grateful, to smile and forget an event that brings bad memories.

And for my birthday this year? I wish for nothing! Instead I'll buy myself a gift. Something I want,and something I need.

 Also a promise, to write again.All I need is just  to look back to what happen a long time ago for a part of me to get back. So that's why I'm telling myself. Not to be afraid. Not to hate, not even when people tries to hurt you,because I AM A SMART PERSON. I can always choose what I should  feel. And I choose to Love.

It isn't too early to give myself a birthday gift,is it?